Jacob's Hierarchy of Appropriately Fried Eggs

I'm a fan of eggs.  I like them many ways.  Scrambled eggs, fried eggs, even poached eggs.  So why the fuck can't restaurants make them the way I order? Seriously, I can make eggs like a bagillion different ways.  Why is it so goddamn hard for people, who are employed to do as much, make eggs to someone's order?  I get that there will always be a bit of room for variance (for a little artistic license if you will) but for the love of everything that is sacred can we please clearly define the differences in fried eggs?  This is consistently the most frustrating and annoying part of eating breakfast at any restaurant.  Let us begin:

Sunny side up is pretty straightforward.  You never flip the egg and baste the "uncooked" side.  It is generally accepted both with the white a bit runny or not. When you say sunny side up, you expect there to be a little bit of leeway with the consistency of your white.  Yolk is of course runny as hell.  This is the fried egg you want to order when you are looking forward to cardiac arrest.

Over easy is also not to difficult.  While it requires a delicate flip of the egg, over easy means your white is going to be runny as will your yolk.  It's pretty simple, though I have experienced the over easy as over medium in many places.  This revelation usually comes after over medium comes out over well and I have to send it back.  Actually that's not entirely true because sometimes I ask my partner to have it sent back since I'm really a giant wuss with microscopic testicles when it comes to asking the server to fix something.  I mean, it's honestly not their fault, they're innocent bystanders caught in the cross-fire.

Over medium.  I should probably stop saying these are not difficult as none of them are actually difficult but holy shit if this is not the bane of my existence. Apparently this one is difficult for everyone but me.  The appropriately made over medium fried egg has it's white cooked through and yolk still wet but a tad more solid than the runniness of the over easy.  This is your classic dipping egg.  The yolk is of excellent consistency for your toast and is usually held in it's bowl by the slightest layer of solid yolk.  You cannot actually order this in a restaurant.  They will give you an over easy egg or over well, but never over medium.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.

Over well is by far the simplest form of fried egg.  Just cook the fucking thing. Everything is solid, just don't burn it.  There is not a soul on Earth who can't cook this egg.

If you are not cooking your eggs according to this handy guide, you are doing it wrong.  And since I titled this "Jacob's Hierarchy of Appropriately Fried Eggs" let's place these types in their proper order:

Over medium - Superior in all aspects, the over medium fried egg contains the best of both worlds; cooked through white and nice liquid yolk.  It is, beyond a doubt, the best way to cook a fried egg.

Over well - This one is really a situational style but remains at the top of the list for the sole reason that you're not dealing with runny white.

Sunny side up (only if the white is thoroughly cooked) - Better than snotty ass over easy, the sunny side up with white cooked through makes a decent change of pace from the over medium and you can feel superior to other cooks by showing off your basting skills.  There is the psychological problem of knowing that one side of the egg hasn't touched your cooking surface and also the heart attack.

Over easy (as long as the runny white is minimal) - And I mean minimal.  If the white is barely noticeable in its runniness then this egg is serviceable for purposes of potatoes and eggs and skillets as the runny white gets hidden in the mixing of ingredients.

Over easy - Can be vomit inducing when the white is jiggling on your plate.

Sunny side up (non-cooked through white) - Fucking disgusting.

So there you are world.  I just dropped some knowledge on you and knowing is half the battle.  Go forth and prepare your fried eggs appropriately.  You're welcome.