Preparing To "Enter the Workforce" As a "Non-productive" Member Of Society

Figure 1: Just look at it for a second. Let it sink in. 

Through the incredible magic of life, I will soon become the primary care-take of our very new 2013 baby boy. Minimal miles, breath-takingly fuel efficient, complete with tow package. It would be a bald-faced lie to say I have not been excited about being the stay-at-home dad for some time but now that we're coming up on it I'm sort of terrified. And also PISSED. Because apparently, maternity/paternity leave is something most governments in the world feel it would be a good idea in which to invest. Except, of course, for the good ole' U. S. of A. Because we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Except for the babies, because they can't pull anything yet except an incredibly well-timed piss on your hand. Oh, and I guess the moms, who gave birth to them. Strike that, moms should be up and at em' within days. A week at the outset for you c-sectioners. We seem to give shockingly few shits about the next generation of people unless we're talking about such societally degrading things as gay people, taking away my guns, and for the love of god can someone please do something with all of these poor people, they're really ruining the aesthetics around here. 

Anyhoo, I'm not real sure what all of this means for me yet in terms of actual day-to-day life. Most likely there will be lots of bottle feeding, poop, puke, piss, the usual. I imagine there will also be some pretty fantastic moments of something that will probably result in tears, wishing I had a camera near by, and hoping Kelly doesn't get mad when she comes home and I tell her what happened (either because it was horrible or awesome). Also, video games. I have it on good authority from a doctor that you can get a lot of video game time in during these first months of life.

America: Where "family values" is about making sure
those homo-sexuals can't marry one another.

I don't really have anything more profound to say than this. Will I make it through the day with a two-month-old. Alone. Who knows? Most likely, yes, but I don't want to tempt fate here. Also, I really can't get over this whole paid family leave thing. Canada, if you are listening, I know all of the words to your national anthem, so long as the only words to your anthem are "Oh Canada!" That's better than like 90% of the other citizens of this country. Plus, I'm basically a socialist, so I'll fit right in. I have no problem not working and having other people foot the bill for my medical care, education, and...well...everything really. I'm not picky. I'm willing to become more apologetic, love cold weather, and took two years of French in high school. Je ne sais pas. See?! I'm not sure how you manage to afford to offer such generous terms for paid family leave...or national healthcare...or education...guh, this is getting depressing. I really have to dig deep here into the annals of 11th grade U.S. History and review just what in the hell this whole "social contract" thing is about. But. BUT. We have a ridiculously large military because peace time is for pussies.

So, in a way, I feel like this whole stay-at-home dad thing is really my big giant fuck you to capitalism. That's at least what I'm telling myself. I'm no longer a part of your system (at least for the length of time it takes for me to experience my first hellacious day at home alone with munch and end the day in desperate need of a Buona Beef cheese fries...stat.). Also, there's the added bonus of being able to watch this kid of mine grow and change and finally be able to replace the pacifier he so carelessly spits out of his mouth back into his mouth when he didn't actually mean to do that.

Poindexter is ready, and perhaps a bit too excited.