Wording

Bill Bryson is one of my favorite authors. He manages to construct prose that is simultaneously profound and utterly irreverent. I envy him. He writes in his book The Mother Tongue: English and How It Got That Way, 

People don't talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the words into sentences so that we might in our turn issue a stream of mixed sounds in response. If what we say is suitably apt and amusing, the listener will show his delight by emitting a series of uncontrolled high-pitched noises, accompanied by sharp intakes of breath of the sort normally associated with a seizure or heart failure. And by these means we converse. Talking, when you think about it, is a very strange business indeed.

I aspire to be the same sort of keen observer. I don't always succeed but I feel like it's probably a good sign when I can at least recognize when I don't succeed (most of the time). Anyhow, I offer this definitive but by no means exhaustive list of words in homage to a brilliant wordsmith.

THE GOOD

Fred Rogers agrees with me.

Goggles - You put them over your eyes, the body part with which you ogle things. This is just sense-making at it's finest. What would I call the things I put over my oglers? Gogs? Gogglers? Drop the "r". Ah yes, goggles.

Bumfuzzled - Confused is so very utilitarian. Sure, I get it, but for the truly mystifying that doesn't actually enter into the realm of supernatural and breezes past mundane street whilst taking in the aroma of fluster, this is your go-to. Your standby. Your Cronkite.

Kerfuffle - An altercation to be sure, but one that could possibly include pillows and the gentle jabs of a friendly tussle. These are the arguments you have with friends over the best flavor of Starburst (pink, because apparently that's a flavor) or who bakes a better cookie.

Buzzard - This is not a Vulture. It is a Buzzard. Vulture is far too menacing a name for these dopey ass birds. Also, it sounds like Voltron and Voltron is neither a scavenger nor dopey. Voltron is the defender of the universe. A Buzzard, so clearly, is not.

Not a Vulture, or Voltron.

Fart - Clear, concise meaning. Onomatopoetic, managing to capture both the guttural and airy emanations of flatulence. Simple, yes, but powerful.

Comeuppance - A reliably pedestrian phrase that, while lacking a certain panache, dispenses with notions of frivolity that bring to mind words like "fate" or "destiny". This is the shit that happens to you after you've been a dick.

Wee bairn - I'm currently learning my native tongue from a family member who has quite happily ensconced herself in the motherland. When we converse I am treated to a smorgasbord of colloquial phrases and honey-dipped words. This is one of those. It's not a child or baby, it's a wee bairn.

THE BAD

Fred Rogers does not agree with you. Also, that
is one fantastic middle finger.

Abscond - It is not a slinking away in the case of a criminal quietly leaving the scene of a crime. Clearly this was meant to be the name of a subtropical fruit that people commonly misidentify as a berry, emphasis on the first syllable.

Haberdashery - Supposedly a men's "clothier". It has largely fallen out of use in the U.S. (which, finally we do something right) and, truthfully, was never an appropriately used word. The wasted potential here is staggering. What we're hearing and looking at is actually a far better name for a Hash Bar.

Clothier - Does not pass the pretentiousness sniff test. Sounds too French. Lacks imagination. What the hell is this word and why is it used?!

Jocular - I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here because jocular refers to joke-making which implies laughing. The word certainly tickles as it lends itself so readily to jokes, the problem being that the jokes it brings to mind are at it's own expense. The word obviously refers to the male reproductive region as a whole and unfortunately (fortunately?) becomes a caricature of itself. For its lack of self-awareness, it gets shunted into the bad section. Someone redeem it.

Jocular Region

Barbiturate - I'll concede that "scientific" words are more difficult to deal with as the system in which they exist and are created tends to be better ordered than most other language areas, but here's the thing, the cold hard logic of this word could at least serve a dual purpose and also refer to a person who works in both the salon and funeral industries. To wit, "I really need to get my hair done before Great-Aunt Tula's funeral begins. I'm so glad we have the barbiturate in town."

Undoubtedly there are much and more with which to fill this post. All in good time my children. For now, know I will be here to light a lamp on your twisted path through the thick forest of words, sentences, and paragraphs which you navigate daily.

As always, you're welcome.